Emotional
Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, is an insightful book on the emotional aspect
of life. It is all the more relevant in today’s time when depression is a
identified & acknowledged as a problem across the globe. It gives the
‘What’ & the ‘Why’ of our internal wiring leading to the way we, as human
race, react. The detailing of the brain wiring is impressive. Impact of
childhood & evolutionary memory helps in cognizance of the root cause &
a conscious effort can help us grow for the better. This is an amazing account
for managing our personal relations & must read for parenting! Below is my
interpretation of the book –
1.
Our emotions guide us in facing predicaments
and tasks too important to leave to intellect alone: danger, painful loss, persisting towards a
goal despite frustration, bonding with a mate, building a family. If it were
not for our evolutionary memory, many species would not have survived!
2.
The 2 minds - Rational
(mode of comprehension we are typically conscious of) and Emotional (impulsive and powerful even though sometimes illogical).
Ordinarily, the emotional mind feeds and informs the operations of the rational
mind. The rational mind then refines and sometimes vetoes inputs. Honestly, I
am surprised how many “2 minds” we have (every psychology book has its own pair
J). But the most convincing ones for me have
been from Emotional Intelligence & Thinking Fast and Slow!
3.
The brain stem surrounding the top of the
spinal cord is the most primitive part of the brain, available with all species
that have more than a minimal nervous system. It is responsible for breathing and other
vital processes required for survival. Then
with evolution grew the Neocortex (the thinking brain) which evolved from the basic olfactory lobe leading to limbic system
that sharpened learning and memory
4.
The emotional explosions
(sudden fit of rage, sudden outburst of laughter) are basically neural hijackings where the limbic
brain calls for an emergency and puts all resources to work on its agenda in an
instant before the neocortex has had a chance to get a glimpse of what is
happening, let alone decide if it is a good idea. Eg. Blood runs cold in fear
making us ‘immobile’ so as to not invite the danger further, Rage gives an
adrenaline pump in danger to fight!
5.
The amygdala is the specialist for emotional
matters. All passion depends
on it. The emergency route from eye to
ear to thalamus (stores pictures) to amygdala (stores emotional content) is
twice as fast as thalamus to neocortex to amygdala. This is what enables
the neural hijackings
6.
IQ contributes to 20% success*. Rest 80% is a combination of other factors
ranging from social class to luck. A lot of this 80% is dependent on emotional
brain
7.
Personal intelligences in 5 emotional domains –
- Knowing
ones emotions
- Managing
emotions
- Motivating
oneself
- Recognising
emotions in others
- Handling
relationships
8.
Distinctive styles of knowing our emotions (Which one are you? I
feel I am the Self-Aware kind):
- Self-aware - they are aware and don’t
obsess about their emotions and hence are able to get out of them easily
- Engulfed - lost in emotions rather than
having perspectives.
- Accepting - if good thoughts occur,
they don’t want to change, if bad thoughts occur they are susceptible and
accept it with laissez faire attitude
9.
Self-awareness has a more powerful effect on strong, aversive
feelings: the realization. This offers a
greater degree of freedom - not just the option not to act on it, but the
added option to try to let go of it! I heard in a podcast that Freedom has to
move from “Freedom FROM …” to “Freedom TO …” and firmly believe that
this is the necessary parameter to measure growth!
10.
A sense of self mastery, being able to withstand emotional
storms rather than being passion’s slave, has been praised as a virtue since
the time of Plato. But the goal is
balance, not emotional suppression. While strong feelings can create havoc
in reasoning, the lack of awareness of feeling can also be ruinous
11.
When the body is already in a state of edginess (emotional
hijacking), the subsequent emotion, whether anger or anxiety, is of especially
great intensity. Anger builds on anger.
The balm for anger is challenging the
thoughts/reasoning before anger has turned into rage. Distractions/active exercise/pleasant environment also helps the body
cool down. But the cooling of period
will not work if you engage in anger inducing thoughts. The ventilation fallacy - it is said
that if you vent out, it’ll be better. But this works only if you vent out
directly to the person involved, restores the control or rights a wrong. Or in
some cases, causes appropriate harm to the opposite party. Easier said than
done!
12.
Worry is, in a sense, a rehearsal of what
might go wrong and how to deal with it. It becomes a problem only when it is
repetitive. Worry is almost
always expressed in the mind’s ears (words) and not eyes (images). How to curb?
- Step 1: be aware. Catch the worry symptoms early
- Step 2: practice a relaxation method
- Step 3: challenge the assumption. Does it really help
to run the same thoughts again and again?
13.
Bereavement is useful; full blown depression
is not. The idea that a good cry is misleading; crying that reinforces
rumination only prolongs misery. Distractions
are the way out : Workout, Binge watching, shopping, eating favourite food,
alcohol. But these can backfire too. A small win/success such as a pending
household chore lifts self-image. Helping others or even comparing yourself to
others who are worse off
14.
The mental resources expended on one cognitive task - the
worrying - simply detract the resources available for processing other
information. Similarly, hope and optimism help in formulating a plan of action
despite setbacks
15.
Just as the mode of rational mind is words,
the mode of emotions is non-verbal. Cultures vary tremendously in this regard - Japanese
minimise their expressions when a figure of authority is present. Indians don’t
say a clear no as a mark of respect!
16.
We transmit and catch moods from each other in
what amounts to a subterranean economy of the psyche in which some encounters
are toxic, some nourishing. This contagion in typically subtle. We tend to unconsciously mirror the emotions of people we interact
with. A social artist can have this impact on an audience of thousands
17.
4 components of interpersonal intelligence-
- Organising
groups
- Negotiating
solutions
- Personal
connection
- Social
analysis
18. A complaint in a relationship (esp marriage)
often becomes a character assassination. A critique of the person and not the
deed. This will lead to a defensive response rather than steps to improve
stuff. Just as men are far more likely
to be stonewallers, so the women are more likely to criticise their husbands.
All this is a crazy limbic tango! Our efforts should be targeted to
improving our way of complaining for a better resolution
19.
Leadership is not about domination, but the
art of persuading people to work toward a common goal. 3 applications of EI in workplace –
- Being able to air grievances as helpful critiques
- Creating an environment where diversity is valued
rather than a source of friction
- Networking effectively
20. The art of critique - it has to give the beginning of the plan
to course correct rather than a personal attack. Be specific (incident, event).
Offer a solution. Be present (face to face). Be sensitive (empathy)
21. In the land of the sick, emotions reign supreme, fear is a
thought away. Even the immune system adapts basis experience
22.
Babies who have gotten a goodly dose of
approval and encouragement from the adults in their live; they expect to
succeed in life’s little challenges. By contrast, babies who come from homes too
bleak, chaotic, or neglectful go about the same small task in a way that
signals they already expect to fail. Key characteristics that depend on initial
interaction are –
- Confidence
- Curiosity
- Intentionality
- Self-Control
- Relatedness
- Capacity to communicate
- Cooperativeness
23.
Violent acts are more pernicious than natural
catastrophes such as hurricane because, unlike victims of natural disaster,
victims of violence feel themselves to have been intentionally selected as the
target of malevolence. That fact shatters the trustworthiness and safety of an
interpersonal world. The imprint of a horror in memory - and the resulting
hyper vigilance - can last a lifetime!
24.
4 temperamental types –
- Timid
(more right brain activity)
- Bold
- Upbeat
(more left brain activity)
- Melancholy.
But temperament is not
destiny. It can be tamed
25. The massive sculpting and pruning of neural circuits in
childhood may be an underlying reason why early emotional hardships and trauma
have such enduring and pervasive effects in adulthood
Do share your views/feedback in the comments section
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